death in motion.

Sometimes I feel that I'm so out of touch with reality that I don't even know what to prioritize. Today changed that.  Practicing expressing what I want & feel to others has opened up my eyes on how out of touch I really was, with myself & how I see others.

I shared exactly what I was thinking with my brother after catching him up on my dad's status, and his sentiments were eerily similar.

He’s a “retired” physician who still thinks he runs the hospital, so he was dictating vs. accepting and listening. Smoker for probably 60 years and 73 years old. We can count the times our entire family will see each other again and it’s frightening. Yet, we have an opportunity (as you do too) to cherish every single moment with those in your circle. Those you love and care for.

My dad is fine and not on his death bed, but today put everything into perspective.  As he's being treated in the hospital room, we were watching the live stream of Baltimore City Police describing what did or didn't happen to another black man shot by cops in America. Countless deaths are being broadcasted everywhere you look, and I've lost count the number of names that turned into hashtags. Death can put a lot of things into perspective and in motion.

As I was afraid to even enter the hospital, I knew I eventually had to as I've learned to face my fear to understand what it's trying to tell me.

We all need a safe space for people to share their stories, whether that’s through a blog or face to face.  This starts conversations where people open up & trust is built with one another.  We're all hurt and have a story to tell. We all need healing. Provide the space for someone you love.

the jonah complex.

Warning: lots of hyperlinks to insightful topics in this post. You’re welcome. Seth Godin defines non-clinical anxiety as “experiencing failure in advance.” In his post titled The Opposite of Anxiety he touches upon the notion that if we think of a future that incorporates all worst case scenarios, we’re already setting ourselves up for failure.  He also brings up an interesting fact that our culture doesn’t have a word for the opposite of this mentality – experiencing success in advance.

The other day scrolling through my twitter feed, I saw this tweet by my friend, Willie. Curious, I clicked it and immediately had one of those “a ha” moments.  Taken from Wikipedia: the Jonah Complex is “the fear of success which prevents the realizations of one’s potential.”

I feel that this is precisely what I’m trying to overcome.  Yes, I understand the whole it’s-not-about-you-mentality, the it-doesn’t-matter-what-you-ship-mentality, and everything related to not caring what other people think as long as you’re passionate about what you create. And yet, I still create this mental block for myself.  I often ask myself what am I afraid of?  What will happen if people actually respond to what I create – positively or not? I get stumped, and cower at the idea of possibly doing something great.  I think that I don’t want the attention; I don’t want the praise and accolades that may come from it.  Even just writing that sounds stupid.  Why wouldn’t I want someone to come up to me and say thank you or what you created actually helped me?

Yes, I want to help people and give back through writing, through fitness, through storytelling, but I also don’t want the praise that could stem from it.  Can humility and success coexist?

I believe it can.  Clearing some internal hurdles I’ve built is the key.  I’m the only one in the way of my own success.